A Decade in Review

So far in my life, the 2000s have taken up most of it. It's my first full decade. It started with the "election" of Bush and ended with more troops in Afghanistan and health care reform. It started with N*Sync with No Strings Attached and ended with Taylor Swift's Fearless. Oprah gained control of political elections. Kanye West went from an inspired rapper to a guy who should stick his foot in his mouth more often. A lot has changed in this past decade. I am no longer in grammar school!

But let's be honest. I could (and maybe someday will) bitch and moan about what went terribly wrong this past decade, but I'm trying this thing where I am less angry. So let's celebrate something I hold very dear to my heart: television.

Don't mock! It's pretty much the most uplifting thing in the world. So, if you will, take this journey with me through the decade in television.

Wait, I lied. Just give me a paragraph to rant about "reality" tv.

"Reality" Television
The premise was okay. Stick a bunch of people together for a social experiment. Along the way, we may learn more about how different social groups interact with each other. (The Real World, I'm looking at you) But then, executives figured out that if you put a bunch of young, stupid people together, they will drink, get in fights, and have lots of sex. Which sadly resonates with many people and results in high ratings. So then they figured they could exploit people and they really wouldn't notice. And so it was. Low cost to produce. People think it's entertaining to watch people that haven't bathed in quite a while (You, Survivor).

Then ushered in the Celeb-Reality genre. Nick and Jessica. Brittany and Kevin. Hey Paula! These are completely hilarious, so I'll give them that one.

But Celebrity Mole, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! (ugh, they do not need more special privileges...), etc... gag.

Best Television to Come Out of the 2000s (in no particular order)

Veronica Mars
Pretty much my favorite show of all time. (so that's why it's listed first, though this is in no particular order...) Teen sleuth who is trying to figure out her best friends murder mystery. Veronica is know as the modern Nancy Drew, but her show was much more than solving mysteries. It chronicled the struggle between classes and the best father-daughter relationship on television. Ever. Always entertaining, and sometimes frustrating, even in the less-than-grand episodes. It has become a martyr for canceled-too-soon shows. And now fans are doing something about it.

Buffy/Angel/Firefly/Dollhouse
Joss Whedon shows get clumped together. They are all important and wonderful, but in the end, do about the same for television in equal parts. Buffy was the first and technically started in the 90s, so the accomplishments made then don't count. But during the 2000s, one episode showed the death of a beloved character in something so close to reality, in a show that dealt with the supernatural. It is guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes because it is so real. Angel, Firefly, and Dollhouse all brought darker elements to television in an era where it was popular to focus on the the ridiculous. Whedon's willingness to focus on emotion (and scifi, not syfy) set the bar higher for scripted television. And without him, television as we know it would be very different. Plus, these shows were just fantastic. A majority of the following shows would not exist.

Chuck
A show about a reluctant spy. A great plot, cast, special effects, etc, but what has made it even more special is the fan dedication. About to be canceled, fans rallied to their nearest Subway, a corporate sponsor of the show. And so Subway called NBC execs and told them not to cancel Chuck because it gave them so much money. And that's why Chuck Season 3 is premiering January 10, 2010. Chuck is proof that the decade has turned television into the hands of the viewer.

30 Rock
30 Rock and Tina Fey have helped revolutionize television writing and comedic writing. Though still seen as a male industry, this SNL star has shown that women can be as and more successful. Fey's work has opened up more doors for women in the coming years.

Ugly Betty
This show was one of the first to make an "ugly" person the main character. Face it, most shows have pretty people as main characters. Many cliches apply here, but this show helped form shows like Chuck and Glee which heavily feature outcasts.

Grey's Anatomy/Desperate Housewives (first season)
Not the best writing admittedly, but the first couple seasons had us on our toes and we became compelled to be invested in the character's future. The episode after the Superbowl on Grey's is still talked about today. It is how many people got hooked on the show and then later realized what a piece of crap show it became. Desperate Housewives enjoyed top ratings and the suicide of Mary Alice was compelling. Call it a guilty pleasure (because it is), but it is the origin of the "guilty pleasure" moniker. And we owe it at least that.

Lost
Sci-fi became extremely mainstream and gave geeks a voice. San Diego Comiccon is no longer just about comic books. It's pretty much for anything that's awesome. So thank you, Lost for your extremely complicated plot lines and time travel. I am forever indebted for making geeky things more available to the public.

Glee
The first fully musical show. There was the musical Buffy episode, which lacked great singing, but was able to move the story along and deal with characters emotions. The Scrubs musical episode had better singing, but was completely a comedy so not much development went on. Though these characters are not randomly breaking out into song (except that one Quinn moment...), the songs still stay relevant (well kind of... the important ones do). It has repackaged television for the stage minded folk. And for this we are happy.

So 2009 ends and 2010 begins. A new decade. What will this decade be remembered for? The 2000s will probably be the decade of communication (and beeteedubs, we need a better name than 2000s. Our 3 loyal readers, get on it now!). Communication through television and media. The most compelling stuff ever written for the small screen. What will this new decade hold for us? College, most likely. But most importantly, more television to distract us from studying. At least we know that our procrastination will be filled with something worthwhile.

Skip College. Go Straight to the Big Leagues.

With January 1 slowly approaching, many young high school souls are hastily piecing together their sorry little excuses for college applications. Go ahead and apply to your lovely Ivy Leagues. Who knows? Yale and Harvard might accept you after all! However, don't forget that there's always one viable option that will readily accept you: reality TV. Yes, even if you get denied from your local community college, you can always turn to The Real World and other respectable forms of truly exquisite entertainment. Today, we shall examine several options to find the right choice for you! No essay or application fee required; bring your body, some STDs, and an optimistic attitude. You'll need it.

Choice #1: The Bad Girls Club
> Click Here and Check Out Your Future Roommates <

Are you a young woman suffering from certain adversities which bar you from obtaining a college education? Do you suffer from a number of psychological problems due to excessive homework abuse? Well, The Bad Girls Club might be your perfect fit! You'll get to meet other girls suffering from the same dilemmas as you and learn how to cope or even erase these obstacles with a nice round of shots. Here, you will be sure to make friendships that will truly last a lifetime.

Choice #2: The Real World
Ah, The Real World...what an option! It will definitely satisfy any of your desires. Looking for bromance? Well, go no further.
> Click Here If You Need a Bro <

Has high school compressed all of your rage into a bottle of bitterness that desperately needs to be released? Don't worry because at The Real World, you will be emancipated from the shackles of oppression.
> Click Here to Liberate Your Soul <

Need one more reason? Well, what else do you need? You can foster great friendships, learn how to make life choices, and broaden your horizons of human perspective. There are so many possibilities! One question: Tie or Bowtie?
> Click Here to Learn About Making Potentially Life-Altering Decisions <
> Click Here to Expand Your Horizons <

Drunk monkey? Fashionista? Sexually-oppressed? Just denied from college? No worries. The Real World can make accommodations.

Choice #3: Jersey Shore
> Click Here and Show Your Pride <

Are you proud of your heritage? If so, then Jersey Shore should be your new home. Join others who share this love and learn the true art of partying. Even if you're missing out on the nightly college parties, you still get to fist pump with the champs. Plus, you will always feel like you never left home. (Get it? Culture? Pride? Or am I giving you too much credit?)

I bet that you're already motivated to scrap your college applications! Remember, there are thousands of other viable choices which can fit according to your desires. So, if college deadlines and denials are turning you blue, remember that you can always find a loving home in the entertainment business. Besides, doing so will put food in the mouths of people at The Soup and other similar businesses. Who cares if they try to examine the faults of society through cunning writing and satire? Does it really matter if they show a clip of you having an orgy of fun? (Both figuratively and literally?) Always remember, the most important part is that you have a good time; education is overrated anyway. What can you do with it?

The Twilight Days of Christmas

With the arrival of Christmas, we at the BS want to extend a more welcoming hand to those who may take offense to red Santa hats, the sudden increase in Bibles, and fruitcakes. Here, we would like to wish you all a nondenominational greeting of celebration and happiness! Come on, Chrismahanukwanzakah does not cut it; what about those poor atheists and Buddhists? Of course, what better way can we convey this message than through a universal feeling of Twilight love...aka Twilove? Yes, Twilove is shared among all of us. Remember those feelings of depression and angst as you gazed at your respective holiday gift bills? Or those feelings of resentment and sadness at getting a repulsive present? Well, those are the exact emotions inhibited by the characters of the immaculate Twilight series. Ah, yes, we can all sympathize with the love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob; we all know those feelings of abuse and neglect, taking out our anger by flinging fruitcakes at those we love, hate, or don't even know. This Twilight season, bond with your loved ones by sharing these feelings together over a hot cup of B positive blood and some Snuggies. This year, ditch the carolers and the Christmas trees. Put up some coffins and lay out the wolf-skin rugs to truly embrace the spirit of Twilight cheer.

Plus, are you a late gift shopper? Well, here at the BS, we have a lovely gift idea that will brighten any young man's day. The Twilight Bella action figure is truly a holiday must for any aspiring young vampire wannabe. Picture that young Edward-to-be playing with his new Bella, examining every detail of her anatomically correct body parts. In addition, your young one can reenact scenes from the book and movie, running Bella over with his new Hot Wheels cars or the new train set from Uncle Ernie. Not only will he learn how to save a human life, but he will also be gently introduced into the mechanics of human sexuality and teen angst. The Bella action figure, if anything, is THE ONE AND ONLY gift that can capture the true nondenominational spirit of the season. Happy winter, everyone.

<-- Isn't she just hormonally fangtastic?

The BS Black Market Item of the Day: MSFB Piece of Turf

As many of you know (or SHOULD know,) the Maine South football team scored another state victory this year. As such, many of you have probably already purchased your share of celebratory swag. However, even if you have indulged yourself in buying Hawk caps, Hawk mugs, Hawk shirts, Hawk hoodies, and other such wonderful merchandise, we at the BS have something more valuble and memorable than what you can buy at your rinky-dink local bookstore; here at the BS, we are currently auctioning off an 11 inch PIECE OF TURF! Yes, yes, yes! This is THE same turf that has been given the privilege to serve under the holy cleats of the ONE AND ONLY MAINE SOUTH FOOTBALL TEAM! Prices start at ONLY $100 per inch per centimeter! Here's a look at the merchandise:

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Order yours now and receive a complimentary photo of the elusive Maine South Hawk! Buy your piece of turf today, and someday in the future, you will remember the good old days; you'll remember all those times your face smacked the immaculate turf and rubber bits after getting tackled. If you were a spectator, you will remember those wonderful days when the heroes of Maine South fought valiantly against every form of opposition and emerged victorious! In the future, your children will ask, "Daddy (or Mommy,) why is that piece of grass in a glass case?" Of course, you would respond saying, "Well, son (or daughter,) that is a token of my teenhood and a story that will change your life."
Buy yourself some memories. Buy yourself some true Hawk Pride spirit. Buy a piece of turf today, and it will last a lifetime. Hawk yeah, baby. Hawk yeah.

The Twilight Craze: Why You Should Join Jacob's Pack

New Moon hit theaters on November 20, but the Twilight craze continues to bite the necks of many unsuspecting victims. If you haven't watched it yet, check out a BANNED trailer! Yes, here at the BS, we have connections, and we were able to call up a few people in order to get you this wonderful teaser. Check it out:

>BANNED New Moon Trailer! <--Click Here!!!

Hoosing Hufflepuffs! Isn't it fantastic? Anyways, if it hasn't hit you already, New Moon has introduced an extremely engaging debate currently being fought within Congress, Parliament, and governments across the universe. Which side are you on? Edward or Jacob? Are you a vampire or a guinea pig werewolf? Hopefully, this little comparison can help you join Jacob's pack...as I have chosen...because I'm such a die-hard Twihard. Get it? "Die-hard"? Vampires are dead? "Twilight"? I'm like sooooooo uberly funny!

The Disadvantages to Being a Vampire:

1. You can't see yourself in the mirror. How are you going to impress your date? What if you accidentally spray your cologne in your eye? And ladies, I don't think it would be very attractive if your lipstick was applied like some sad clown hooker just because you don't know how far your lips extend.
2. You have to drink blood. Well, the main problem would be that it's like having sex with your lips. If people ran around doing it, then getting AIDS would be like shaking hands.
3. You can't do anything in daylight. This leads to a deficiency of vitamin D and results in brittle bones. When you're dead, you can't afford to have brittle bones, now can you? This is made worse if you're lactose intolerant as well.
   
4. You live in a coffin. It's a wooden box. Unless someone starts a TV show like Pimp My Coffin, no one is getting any style points for living in one.
5. Garlic is no longer edible. By being a vampire, you choose to eliminate many delicious food choices such as garlic bread. Pasta and Italian food are both eternally ruined for you. Bad choice.
6. You always look tired and monotonous. Well, how would you be able to get a job if you can't show some sort of charisma? You can't be the next Billy Mays looking like that!
   
7. If faced with rice or a pile of sand, you must count every single grain. Yes, even the Count from Sesame Street had legitimate mythological influences. The myth states that when faced with a pile of some sort, the vampire must count every entity of that pile. Seems a bit cumbersome to me.
   
8. Can easily get charged with sexual harassment. Even if the swath of screaming Twihards were responsible for sleeping with you against your will, you're centuries older than them; therefore, you face the charges. Too bad you're spending the rest of your life in prison! What happened to your immortality now, huh?
9. Speaking of being centuries older, your birthday cake would be unable to accommodate all the candles. Plus, if you somehow are able to put all the candles on the cake, then that's just a major fire hazard.
10. Guys, if you're the type that loves to date a cougar, well good luck. Also, ladies, finding a younger man would probably result in suicide....again.
11. If you have buckteeth, then your fangs might not be able to fully extend and drain your victim. You starve, then you die....again.
12. Enough of this. There are too many to list. You know that. Accept it.

The Advantages to Being a Werewolf:

1. They're so cool. 'nuff said.
2. You live in a pack. It has been proven that those who live in communities live 23 years longer than those who live alone or in isolation. Plus, you'd always have a team ready to play a game of basketball or football.
   
3. When you sing Shakira's "She Wolf," you can add an authentic wolf howl.
4. Being a werewolf already makes you BA.
5. No need to buy a Snuggie; you're already one! With fur! Beat that.
   
6. Much more approachable and friendly than vampires. Think about this scenario: A young girl with an ice cream cone accidentally runs into a vampire and gets the ice cream all over his pants. The vampire would automatically intimidate the girl or even drain her of her blood! A werewolf, however, is more likely to affectionately lick the girl and swallow her whole nuzzle gently, providing comfort and warmth.
7. Baby werewolves would be like puppies. Who doesn't love puppies?
8. You'd get jacked instantly; think about it....have you ever seen an obese werewolf?
9. Going further, apparently, shirts become optional; therefore, you save money. Hey, now you can afford to go to college!
10. Going even further, guys, even though vampires supposedly have the power of hypnotism, women would be hypnotized by your great abs. All natural, baby.
    
11. Enhanced senses are always a plus. You'll finally get to hear the dog whistle that you thought was broken.
    
12. Remus Lupin is my favorite Harry Potter character in history! Twihardz aRe LikE uBEr CoOlio Duh! WHERE'S MY JACOB SHIRT!?!?!
    
13. Too many. Just become one. Like Thomas Paine wrote in 1776, it's Common Sense.
    

Join the pack. JOIN IT! Or else I'll hit you with a Patronus. Besides, ladies, how can you resist this?
So, which side are you on? By the power of Dumbledore and my amazing abs, I compel you to comment and express your devotion to either side. The wars have commenced.

Making Sure We All Have a "Feliz Navidad"

Hello to all you loyal readers! Have any of you started your Christmas shopping? Well, I have, and it was absolutely wonderful to hear the ringing of Christmas music as I rode around Dick's Sporting Goods on a scooter. (It was one of those cool new "Kick-Back" Scooters. Even though there's a max speed limit you can reach with the "kicker," I still recommend it.) Anyways, as I was driving to Old Orchard, "Feliz Navidad" began playing on the radio. Suddenly I noticed something peculiar; the song consists of only 19 words! It was quite alarming! Those poor Mexicans! They only know 4 Spanish words, let alone 15 English words! Plus, all they want to do is wish every soul a "Merry Christmas"! Being partially of Spanish descent a strong Latino myself, I feel their pain. We all see them toiling over a pile of dishes and sweating as snippets of grass fly in the air. Yet, none of us have addressed their lack of a formal education. I mean, even their native language rejected them; they only know how to say, "Feliz Navidad, prospero año y felicidad." How do they get a job or order food? By wishing everyone a Merry Christmas? So please, put down your sombreros for a minute, and together, we can attack this jalapeño-hot issue. We must teach all these poor souls the gift of language. Throw some Rosetta Stone in their direction. That way, we can spread Christmas cheer with understanding and soul. (It would also be good to consult a dictionary as well. Disaster can occur should misunderstandings arise, as seen in the accompanying video.)
To Teach a Language, One Must First Understand It

Hiatus!?!?! Over!?! Why, yes it is!

You heard correctly; the BS hiatus is over. I would personally like to thank all you loyal viewers out there who have probably gone insane from staring at your computers screens with the hope of a new post. Hopefully, you have not gone insane and are not in an asylum. Even still, I feel your desire and devotion. You shall be rewarded.