Singles Awareness Day

Hello, friends, fans, and all you other loyal readers! Have you cuddled with your special someone yet? Watched Dear John? Or Valentine's Day? Well, aww, then that's great.

Now for the rest of us.

As you all know, tomorrow is everyone's favorite lovey-dovey holiday. Marked by roses, chocolate hearts, and naked babies practicing their archery, who wouldn't feel compelled to join in the festivities?


What's the problem? Well, they're all biased towards couples.

Single? Well, now it's stamped across your forehead.

"On February 14, [Insert Name of Single Person Here] is self-aware."

Well, doesn't that sting? Luckily, here at the BS, most of us we care about you. We choose to be sensitive towards your relationship status. That is, as long as you're not going to marry your dog or some plastic doll like Heidi Montag.
Our solution to this predicament: Singles Awareness Day. Also known as SAD, it helps singles all over the world get over the fact that they have to make out with a pillow as retribution for not being able to make love to an actual human being.
I bet you want to know the advantages to being single. If you don't, too bad. You're the one choosing to read this anyway. Go be single somewhere else.

• Well, you can have as much candy and flowers as you want delivered to yourself. No one will know who gave them to you. Plus, if you're the narcissist, you probably already thought about this.
• You're not obliged to be with only one person. Go hit the strip club. Show Ke$ha how it really feels to wake up feeling like P. Diddy.
• You get to wear green on this day. If red or pink is not your color, then you might have some issues if your partner's all about Valentine's Day. Plus, guys never wear pink. It says so in The Bro Code. You better be ashamed if you do wear pink. You should have known better.
• Accidental pregnancies are a thing in the past. Well, it's never been a problem for the guys, but for the ladies, it's apparent. 

On the other side of the spectrum, what if you're more than a couple on Valentine's Day? As in, what if you're a Siamese twin? It's a bit awkward to have an extra body or two (literally) during this holiday. Valentine's Day, sadly, neglects the needs of these poor people. How ironic.

So if you're lonely on this lovely holiday, wear some green, cuddle up near the fireplace with your favorite Twilight book, and send some flowers and chocolate to yourself. Celebrate your singularity! Who knows? You might find a valentine in yourself. Happy SAD!


Take it away, Beyoncé.

An Unrecognized Hero

As we all know, the greatest of artists are always recognized posthumously. There is no exception to that rule when it comes to the great Heidi Montag. From appearing on the thought-provoking, intelligent show, The Hills, to marrying the successful T.V. star and talented rapper, Spencer Pratt, she has yet to make a wrong move. Remember her performance of her song "Superficial?" Some may argue that her dance moves were less than good and that she seemed like she didn't have a soul, but they are wrong.

"I'm sure if Cleopatra were alive today, she'd have triple D's."

Her wise words ring in my head. Heidi just wants to make the world more beautiful, and who can fault her for that? Barbie is the ideal, after all. Her kids may not look like her, but that can be fixed. And Heidi truly is enamored by all the science behind plastic surgery. She knows about science. That's the only reason she was put on The Hills. God told Heidi to do what she did, and she'd be willing to tell you that. Just like God told her to do all the charity works she's done (like appearing on I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here!) Yes, they did pay her, but while she was there, someone tore the labels off her shampoo bottles! No amount of money can fix the emotional damage that caused her.

Heidi Montag is avant-garde, more so than anyone of us could understand. As she says in her hit song, "It ain't that easy. It ain't that easy. It ain't that easy. But it ain't so hard."

When she dies in the process of trying to make her boobs size "H" for Heidi (like she almost died the first time), the world will finally realize their mistake and see her for the artist and saint she truly is.

Valentine's Day: The Origin

Not mine. Originally written by Aaron from "Ninja's Against Bad Things". I still thought it was fitting.
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It's that time of the year again, so without further ado, the Ninja's Against Bad Things Super Evil Arch-Nemesis Bad Thing of the Week (NABTSEANBTOTW for short) is: Valentine’s Day.

Having seriously considered watching the History Channel on several occasions, I feel comfortable relaying the history behind this terrible holiday.

Valentine's Day was actually a joint venture, invented in the early 1860's by Hitler, Pol Pot, and Osama Bin Laden, who as a group are also responsible for other Bad Things such as tapioca and midterms. The origins of the holiday's namesake span back to ancient Rome, a place where things happened at some point in the near or distant past, depending on what the "historical information" I have no need to look up says. St. Valentine, the Patron Saint of Chick Flicks and Other Sappy Romanticized Trash, had just met up with his friends St. KetleOne, the Patron Saint of Getting Hella Wasted at Parties, and St. Crunchius-Breakius-Teethius, the Patron Saint of Eating Bicycles. As the story goes, they were all sitting around, discussing how not to be fed to the lions. St. Valentine liked this girl, so he told his friends:
"I likius dis girlius."

As you may recall, Roman people at this time were tired of speaking boring old Roman, so they started speaking Latin, which they picked up from Puerto Ricans and other Latin American immigrants. It was the "cool" thing to do. Latin is a very archaic and confusing language, containing such common phrases as "Et tu, Brutus", which in English means "Hey! That wasn't very nice!", as well as "Sic sempre tyrannis" which loosely translates into "Ha ha, got you, President Abraham Lincoln the Tyrannosaurus" (John Wilkes Booth had a severe mental condition in which he thought every world leader was some kind of dinosaur.) Anyway, I visited Chile one summer, which is kinda close to Latin America, so for sake of clarity I'll translate.

"I likius dis girlius" ("Hey dudes, I like, totally like, like like this girl.")

The other two saints thought this was an absurd idea. Instead of liking girls, they suggested, why not concentrate on other things, such as knitting, or practicing for the bar exam? But St. Valentine insisted, and the three set out to buy some overpriced gifts for the object of his affection, whose name happened to be Raargh. St. Valentine lugged his friends along for the perilous journey down the block to Walmart, inside of which they completed the purchasing of many little chalky candy hearts at amazing "Roll-Back" savings. St. Valentine then decided he wanted to give his love something more distinctly Roman, so he and his friends then built the Parthenon, unaware that it was actually Greek, because none of them had really paid attention in 7th-grade World History class.

Okay, well long story short, it turns out Raargh did not like little chalky candy hearts and was highly allergic to Parthenons. Furthermore, Raargh was also a lion. Enraged, the great beast then proceeded to maul and messily devour Saints Valentine, KetleOne, and Crunchius-Breakius-Teethius, much to the delight of Romans everywhere. From that day on, February 10th became known as "Valentine's Day", a day of laughing at St. Valentine, Patron Saint of Chick Flicks and Other Sappy Romanticized Trash. (Due to Global Warming, we now observe it on February 14th.)

But every year, both guys and girls alike ignore the lessons of history and celebrate Valentine's Day by exchanging traditional gifts such as chalky candy hearts and Parthenons, as well as more modern gifts such as Hallmark cards, overpriced thorny flowers, and sexual favors, unaware that the objects of their affection will inevitably turn out to be huge psychotic crackwhores who maul the living hell out of any semblance of feelings they might have had left inside that hollow chest cavity that once held a heart. Furthermore, by celebrating Valentine's Day, they are terrorists who hate freedom, democracy, ice cream, and puppies. And Julie Andrews.

Don't wait for the smoking gun to come in the form of a dozen roses; if you suspect that someone may be even thinking about celebrating Valentine's Day, you have the authority to preemptively ninja-chop them.

P.S.: My pretend lawyers have advised me to tell you that before launching a pre-emptive surprise ninja strike on an unsuspecting Opponent Of Freedom (OOF), you should make sure he or she signs a waiver absolving you of all damages, physical and emotional, that may result from your upcoming sneak attack. Make duplicate copies of the waiver and get it fully notarized.

Down with VD!