The BS Awards: Intermission

To conclude Part I of our extravaganza, we have the musical stylings of the University of Rochester Yellowjackets. Recently featured as one of the must-see YouTube videos in the March issue of EW, here they are performing their rendition of Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me."


Stay tuned! We'll be back with Part II real soon!

The BS Awards: School Juveniles

Every school has that group of people. You know, the ones that are always getting into trouble. The ones who you can probably find later in life living on the streets or in jail. Although these kids may not be mischievous to that degree, the following nominees are noted for their appreciable work in the business. Truly inspirational, no?

First up is Marker Face.

At least he has a purple unibrow. Not many people can boast about that.

Next we have Nipple Man.


Of course, for those who are still doubting Nipple Man's worth, we have another word from guest speaker, GloZell.


Nonetheless, no one can be compared with this couple. Aren't they cute together?

And that is why they are the winners of this category. The principal must really enjoy himself.

The BS Awards: Wife Swap Conundrums

Ah, sick of your wife or husband? Check out Wife Swap. It's crazy! They switch two wives from radically different social classes/lifestyles! Did that just blow your mind? Well, then these clips will make you explode.

First, we have the dad who eats raw meat.



Next up is Crazy Catholic Warrior. Or so you think...
See? I bet she's with Edward Cullen too. Vamps are everywhere!!! Be alert.

However, the winner of this category is King Curtis. Here he is in his finest.

The BS Awards: Ke$ha Song of the Year

Move over, Beyoncé and Taylor Swift. Ke$ha is the new kid on the block. Preaching lyrics straight out of da club, she is rapidly infecting the world with her sick beat filled to the brim with any DJ's delight. Watch out because that girl just loves her Jack Daniels.

Before we move on with the nominees, here is a word from guest speaker, GloZell.

Now, on with the nominees! First up is her hit single, "TiK ToK."

 Up next is the song alluded to in Miss GloZell's commentary: "Blah, Blah, Blah."

Here, we have an underrated song, "Dinosaur."
I love when singers can spell.

Finally, we have every schoolgirl's favorite fantasy: "Mr. Watson."
I bet she's Edward Cullen's sister. They have the same tongue movements. Yup, she's a vamp. Definitely.

And the winner is..."TiK ToK." Congrats, Ashley Tisdale!

The BS Awards: Best High School Musical Blunder

2006 marked a big year for Disney; High School Musical entered the world, capturing the hearts of young tweens and Twilight dads alike. It became a national phenomenon, and soon enough, high school became a haven for clichéd romance between some jock and nerd who found common ground in the fine arts. (Ah, love, how fickle thou art!) Nonetheless, it did raise an awareness of the fine arts.

Was that last statement ambiguous? Well, you decide, folks!

Here are the nominees for "Best High School Musical Blunder."

From High School Musical: Get in the Picture comes several renditions of "A Whole New World." Four words: Jasmine, you better run.



From our stepfather that we really have no affiliation with and therefore is not our real father, The Soup, comes a clip featuring performances of "Forever Young" and "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing."

From High School Musical 2 comes this clip of "I Don't Dance." Is it subtly suggestive? Hmm....Honestly, who wears all white to a baseball game? Call the fashion police because we've got a wardrobe malfunction.
Huh, and everyone thought only Gabriella and Troy found true love.

And the winner is....Gasp! From out of nowhere! A performance of "I Say a Little Prayer" from High School Musical A Seleção.

You go, girls.

The BS Awards!

Yes, friends and fans, it is that time of year! The Bread and Salad is proud to present The BS Awards! So, it's time for you to sit back and enjoy what basically amounts to a bunch of videos. Commentary is complimentary, of course.

Weird Junk: Pee and Poo Plush Dolls

There are many weird things in the world, some of which I cannot begin to fathom. To help raise awareness of what you can find in the world, the BS has chosen to create another series of articles (Cranking them out are we? Oh, yes, we are.) appropriately titled "Weird Junk." Here's one example:

The two figures above are actually plush dolls that reside within the borders of Japan. Designed to educate young children about human waste, pee and poo offer a friendly face for what you leave in the toilet.

May your defecation be satisfying.

With that, we close today's edition of "Weird Junk."

The Music Box: "Fireflies"

Hello, loyal readers! It's time for another edition of "The Music Box!" Today, we've got Owl City's "Fireflies" under our music microscope.

So, I've been thinking about what to actually say about this song. To start, let's have some lyrics dissection.

"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep."

Hmm, why don't you ponder on that thought?

"I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly."

I bet he thinks that the world is flat too. Well, so does Barbara Walters. Oh, Barbara, we love you.

Hmm, you know what, I think I just might as well give you all a video link. Why? Because I'm really getting bored by this, and videos tend to speak for themselves. Note the foreshadowing in that previous statement. 
 

Isn't it ironic? I guess I wasn't bored after all.

But hey, even though he may be lip-syncing, at least he gets a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs. As you know, nothing is better than that.

Thus, we mute The Music Box. Well, until next time!

Singles Awareness Day

Hello, friends, fans, and all you other loyal readers! Have you cuddled with your special someone yet? Watched Dear John? Or Valentine's Day? Well, aww, then that's great.

Now for the rest of us.

As you all know, tomorrow is everyone's favorite lovey-dovey holiday. Marked by roses, chocolate hearts, and naked babies practicing their archery, who wouldn't feel compelled to join in the festivities?


What's the problem? Well, they're all biased towards couples.

Single? Well, now it's stamped across your forehead.

"On February 14, [Insert Name of Single Person Here] is self-aware."

Well, doesn't that sting? Luckily, here at the BS, most of us we care about you. We choose to be sensitive towards your relationship status. That is, as long as you're not going to marry your dog or some plastic doll like Heidi Montag.
Our solution to this predicament: Singles Awareness Day. Also known as SAD, it helps singles all over the world get over the fact that they have to make out with a pillow as retribution for not being able to make love to an actual human being.
I bet you want to know the advantages to being single. If you don't, too bad. You're the one choosing to read this anyway. Go be single somewhere else.

• Well, you can have as much candy and flowers as you want delivered to yourself. No one will know who gave them to you. Plus, if you're the narcissist, you probably already thought about this.
• You're not obliged to be with only one person. Go hit the strip club. Show Ke$ha how it really feels to wake up feeling like P. Diddy.
• You get to wear green on this day. If red or pink is not your color, then you might have some issues if your partner's all about Valentine's Day. Plus, guys never wear pink. It says so in The Bro Code. You better be ashamed if you do wear pink. You should have known better.
• Accidental pregnancies are a thing in the past. Well, it's never been a problem for the guys, but for the ladies, it's apparent. 

On the other side of the spectrum, what if you're more than a couple on Valentine's Day? As in, what if you're a Siamese twin? It's a bit awkward to have an extra body or two (literally) during this holiday. Valentine's Day, sadly, neglects the needs of these poor people. How ironic.

So if you're lonely on this lovely holiday, wear some green, cuddle up near the fireplace with your favorite Twilight book, and send some flowers and chocolate to yourself. Celebrate your singularity! Who knows? You might find a valentine in yourself. Happy SAD!


Take it away, Beyoncé.

An Unrecognized Hero

As we all know, the greatest of artists are always recognized posthumously. There is no exception to that rule when it comes to the great Heidi Montag. From appearing on the thought-provoking, intelligent show, The Hills, to marrying the successful T.V. star and talented rapper, Spencer Pratt, she has yet to make a wrong move. Remember her performance of her song "Superficial?" Some may argue that her dance moves were less than good and that she seemed like she didn't have a soul, but they are wrong.

"I'm sure if Cleopatra were alive today, she'd have triple D's."

Her wise words ring in my head. Heidi just wants to make the world more beautiful, and who can fault her for that? Barbie is the ideal, after all. Her kids may not look like her, but that can be fixed. And Heidi truly is enamored by all the science behind plastic surgery. She knows about science. That's the only reason she was put on The Hills. God told Heidi to do what she did, and she'd be willing to tell you that. Just like God told her to do all the charity works she's done (like appearing on I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here!) Yes, they did pay her, but while she was there, someone tore the labels off her shampoo bottles! No amount of money can fix the emotional damage that caused her.

Heidi Montag is avant-garde, more so than anyone of us could understand. As she says in her hit song, "It ain't that easy. It ain't that easy. It ain't that easy. But it ain't so hard."

When she dies in the process of trying to make her boobs size "H" for Heidi (like she almost died the first time), the world will finally realize their mistake and see her for the artist and saint she truly is.